The day after...

So today is one year to the day after Peyton had his heart sugery. A year ago that Rick and I woke up wondering what the walk down that long PICU hallway would bring us. Peytons room was at the very end of the hallway...the biggest room - only because it was him, a crib, many many machines and an ecmo machine...and the whole ecmo team. The machine took up the whole room. It took the blood out of his body, circulated it and oxygenated it and then put it back into his body- giving it enough "umph" to pump through his whole body while letting his little heart rest. Every few minutes, a member of the ECMO team would check his tubes, making sure that there were no blood clots in the tubes which could cause a stroke or other serious problem. If the blood wasnt kept to a certain temperature, it could have caused Peyton to have hypothermia. So many thigns to think about.

Look at the round little toes, too fat to put socks on. The puffy little arms and fingers - way to puffy to even try and close his hand into a fist. Surprisingly enough, the swellign had went down a little bit over night. Not a whole bunch at all but the littlest bit - either that or they had moved his hat and leads on his head b/c his face didndt look nearly as bad as it did after surgery.

The Day I Became a Heart Mother

One day my world came crashing down,I'll never be the same.

They told me that my child was sick.I thought, "am I to blame"?

I don't think I can handle this.I am really not that strong.

It seemed my heart was breaking.I have loved him for so long.

I will not give up on this child.I will listen to your advice.

I will give my child any chance.No matter what the price.

I will learn all that I need to help my child thrive.

I'll even use that feeding tube. My child must survive!

Will he need a lot of therapy? Will he gain the needed weight?

Please God, help me do this. I will accept our fate.

When the monitors beep at night, it serves as my reminder.

How many parents would love that sound. Tomorrow I will be kinder.

As another Angel earns his wings, I run to my child's bed.

I watch him sleep for quite a while. I bend down and kiss his head.

I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken. I look to You wondering why?

Oh Lord, I just can't know your ways....no matter how I try.

And yet, I trust you hold his life, and guide us through each day.

My mind says savor each moment he's here,but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!

From pacing the surgical waiting room, to sitting by his bed.

From wishing for a good nights sleep, to learning every med.

From wondering, "will he be alright?", to watching him reach out his hands.

With every smile my heart just melts, despite life's harsh demands.

For all who see that faded line. I look to them and smile.

You see my child is loved so much. I would face ANY trial.

That scar I trace with my finger (It's the door to his beautiful heart).

God must have known how much I'd love him (Just as He loved him from the start).

A heart mom is always a heart mom.

Now wise beyond her years.

For those who have angels in heaven,

Our hearts share in all of your tears.

Every day I will try and remember, I was chosen for him (and no other).

I will always embrace that beautiful day.......When I became a "Heart Mother".

- Author Unknown

Where I spend my whole day - minus lunch which was brought up to the room for me. Those were all Peytons IV machines and on the left side of his bed was his ventilator. Every so often it would go off or "alarm" and people would come running - but it was just water in the tube. Peyton was always "breathing over the machine" or breathing on his own overtop of what the machine was doing for him. What a little fighter.