Wednesday, December 3, 2008

My life through all of this...

So alots been going on in my life and I have alot on my mind. Not exactly anything that I can say on here at the moment. Doesnt exactly have to do with me but i've been brought into it. Something pretty serious that I never ever thought that I would have to deal with. So in typing all of these days about Peyton and thinking about what all else is going on, I don't think that anyone could sit here and not look back at their life and wonder why things happen like they do. I mean....I sit and look through the pictures - of my twins and Peyton. Everything that we have been though - and I mean everything up until now. I mean, I hoped and prayed with all I had when I got pregnant that the "baby" wouldn't have cancer. That "the baby" wouldn't have to go through all the teasing that I went through, the being different, not being like everyone else. Then came December 27th - TWINS. Yeap that was the day that we found out that we were having two. It all came crashing down. Twins, Identical twins and there was a 50% chance that they would both have cancer. Well depsite all the hoping, praying and wishing, we found out on August 25th, 2006 that they did have cancer. What a world. A world of double worrying if they were going to beat this cancer...a world of double eye exams, double waking up from anesthesia, double MRI's and quadruple trying to explain to the insurance companies why each visit gets billed twice. You think they'd understand the twins concept a little bit more. Anyways, we got through it. Life handed me lemons and I made the best of it b/c granted we weren't ready for kids....that's what we were dealt and that's what we dealt with. We made it work and they are my world and I would do it all over again - cancer and all if I had to. March comes and we find that we're pregnant again. Rought news for us and quite a surpise but again, it's what life dealt us and we decided that we had to deal with it - it' mst have been meant to be. There's a reason for everything in my eyes. That brings us to September of 2007 and the stupid dog tripped me. I ended up staying over night in the hospital and finding out news that no parent wants to hear. The doctor said "Yeap, that's definately it. Your baby has TGA - Transposition of the Great Arteries. He'll most likely require immediate open heart surgery." Great. Again, something else to worry about. And I will definately not lie and say that "why me? Why does this happen to me? why cant i have a normal child - just like everyone else...." did not cross my mind...because it did. Infact I think that I said it outloud a few times. Now, I dont know what my world would be like with a "normal" baby. Peyton and I are so close b/c of the time we spent in the hospital. I know that he was so young and probably doesnt remember much but, he's attatched to me so much... I spent every day beside him. I love my miracles and even though we werent "ready for them", it was the right thing - it was what was meant to be. Now with whats going on around here....i just want to say that your life is what you make of it. Eveything happens for a reason and sometimes, you may not be ready for something....or it may not be the right time in your opinon - but if it happens, then it's the right time. Not much more I can say. And....on the same topic, i wanted to share this poem I found. Thanks for reading if you made it through my rambling.

by Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit. Did you ever wonder how mothers of children with life threatening illnesses are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger. "Armstrong, Beth, son, patron saint Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, patron saint Cecilia. Rutledge, Carrie, twins, patron saint Gerard."

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and says, "Give her a child with cancer." The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy." "Exactly" smiles God, "Could I give a child with cancer a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel." "But, does she have patience?" asks the angel. "I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she will handle it."

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence
that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm
going to give her has it's own world. She has to make it live in her
world and that's not going to be easy."
"But, Lord, I don't think she believes in you." No matter, I can fix

This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness." The angel gasps -"Selfishness? is that a virtue?" God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take anything her child does for granted. She will never consider a single step ordinary. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice...and allow her to rise above them." She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side."

"And what about her patron Saint?" asks the angel. His pen poised in mid-air. God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."


  1. I'm enjoying all the pictures and updates on the kids. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been not knowing what to expect around the next twist or turn, for both the twins and for Peyton. You definitely have made the best of a difficult time.

    Regarding the personal things you are going through in your life right now...Although I don't know exactly what the situation is, I hope that you and your boys are OK. If there's anything I can do to help out, just ask. I think about you often and admire your strength and courage as you face so many challenges in your own life and your children's lives. I'm praying for you and hope that things start getting better soon!!

  2. Mandy, Mandy, Mandy, I have walked a half a mile in your shoes and believe me I understand completely. Your boys are blessed to have such a wonderful mother. And as far as Peyton remembering the bonding, let me tell you that, when we were in somewhat of your position,we would reach into the incubator and rub Katie's feet, because that was the only thing that didn't have wires or tubes attached. To this day, when she is tired, especially when she doesn't feel good, or is just being lazy, she'll lay on the couch and want her feet rubbed!! So they do know, and he will remember !! Lotsa luv to all your family.